Elle tells it like it is

Just a quick vent because I don’t want to write it on Facebook or Twitter.  Being a grown-up sucks.  We (Mister Elle and I) are trying to be competent adults and buy a house.  Of course, the house we fell in love with is INSANE, and probably a whiff out of our financial reach.  My day has been spent talking to mortgage folks, sending documents and seeing quite clearly how financially retarded I am.  Mister Elle is better, but not exactly the polar opposite of me.  I’m anxious.  I saw my future in this home and I just want to see it come to pass. 

And I remember a time when I wanted to live on a house-boat.

My relationship with social media is worse than a soap opera.  I hate and I love.  You may ask why I do this?  I do not know, but I feel it to be so, and I am tortured. (A poem I translated in Latin class years ago.)

I love catching up, seeing how people turned out, and checking out what we may/may not have in common on Facebook.  I love learning more about my friends.  I hate feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough in comparison, and I hate feeling like a failure as a woman because I do not have children.  I hate having to censor my status updates because my mom is there.  I hate getting a notifications flag, only to see that someone sent me a gift in a game I don’t play anymore.

Twitter is great, but 140 characters is not enough sometimes.  I also find that if I don’t check it religiously, I get lost.  TweetDeck still won’t send me a password reset code so I can use the nice, organized version on my new machine. 

And LinkedIn.  Oh, LinkedIn!  I feel like I could use you so much better than I do!  To link lots of people… or not.  To join groups - which ones?!?!  To leave my profile anonymous so people can’t see that I stalk them, or leave it open so I can see who is stalking me?  I

My first foray into tumblr was kind of a “plunk.”  One post and then months of silence.  I’m going to fix that.  You should see me blogging more, getting personal, maybe even a little controversial. 

It seems like people I know get engaged/married in bursts.  Around Christmas, there was another burst of engagements.  It’s awesome, and I’ve given this advice out to them, and I thought I’d post it here too.

How am I qualified?  Well, I’m married.  I got married in a very casual, but classy Vegas ceremony.  Before we decided to semi-elope, we had been making some serious plans (and then we moved across the country - eating our savings).  I’ve been in 4 weddings, I’ve been de-facto bridesmaid for more, and I’ve had the honor of watching a lot of friends get married.  Kids in New England tend to want to get married soon after college.  Out of my collegiate inner-circle, I was one of the last at 33.

1. The most fun things to do are not the ones you should start with when it comes to wedding planning.

2. Brides, especially, like to ask their friends to be bridesmaids right after the engagement ring is slipped on the finger.  Because of #1.  It is fun!  You get to share the excitement with your friends!  You get to talk dresses.  Don’t do it!  I’d wait until 6-9 months BEFORE the date to ask.  Why?  Well, your friends may not be quite as close to you on your wedding day.

I’ve seen once best-friends be barely on speaking terms by the wedding date.  Why?  Well, life happens.  Friendships change.  Especially right after college, I have found this to be true.  And, unfortunately, the happiness and excitement of a bride can bring out a lot of jealousy and resentment with her friends.  It’s sad, but it happens.  I admit to being a not-awesome friend to one of my close friends who got engaged once.  It was all my issues, and I apologized and moved past it with her, but she was absolutely right not to ask me to be in her wedding.

You want your wedding party to be there to support you.  You need to choose people you can count on.  Think, you need to pick a group for the Amazing Race, not America’s Next Top Model.

3. Pick your date and plan backwards.  Picking a date is the hardest thing!  Even if you can narrow down a month, that’s a huge step.  Then, you can start pricing venues.  Maybe that means the date slides a little bit.   That’s okay!  But picking a date gives you a place to start.

4. Your sister doesn’t have to be your Maid of Honor and your brother doesn’t have to be your Best Man.  This is muy controversial.  I know people who would argue with me about this forever.  Yes, it is tradition.  Yes, it may be expected.  But that doesn’t mean you have to do it.  The person you pick for these roles has to absolutely be someone you can count on.  Sure, there’s the bachelor, bachelorette, wedding shower, holding of the rings responsibilities but more than that - this person is going to help keep you calm and sane.

Your sister or your brother may not be this person.  You may not be close to them.  But you may feel obligated to put them in this role.  Your family may insist on it.  In the end, it’s your wedding and you have to make the decisions that you are most comfortable with.  There are plenty of ways to include family members in to your wedding without being MOH or BM.  You never know, they could feel that filling the role is as much of an obligation for them as it for you to ask.

5. You are going to freak out, and it’s okay.  This is a big deal.  Hopefully it is the last wedding you will ever plan.  Give yourself a little room.

6. You will not get everything you want.  It’s just not possible.  Shit happens.  See advice #5.  But, to get as much of what you want - make a list.  Prioritize what you want in order of Can’t Live Without It, to Meh.  You will find that you can focus on the really important things and not have to concentrate as hard on the others.  For me, I had a couple of important things.  I wanted stargazer lilies in my bouquet and I wanted to pick my own processional music because I HATE “Here Comes the Bride”.  I got those things. I didn’t get my wedding cake.  But I prioritized other things above that.

7. Your wedding day is about YOU and your spouse.  You may have family and friends who think that they get a say.  By all means use your own barometer and listen and take their feelings in to account.  But, when the day is over, it was your wedding, not theirs.  It may mean you have to say no to some things.  There may be some hurt feelings, but trust yourself, your spouse to be, and what you want.

8. If you can leave out the “W” word (wedding) from any service, you’ll save $$.  For some reason, add a wedding to a normal service and the price goes up 200% sometimes.  If you can, try and NOT divulge that it’s your wedding.  For example, if you are getting a professional makeup application or an up-do, you can tell the provider that you are getting it done for a party.  Sometimes you have to be transparent - i.e. you have to tell your caterer that this is a wedding or else they’ll probably be pretty angry when they serve the food and see you in your wedding clothes.

9. You’ll want to keep a lot of things for a scrapbook or just to have as a reminder of your wedding, but you want to be organized and not overwhelmed at the same time.  Get a plastic bin and slip things in when you can.  That way, you have a place to go find who sent you the Sham Wows when you get around to writing the thank you notes - you put the shipping invoice in the bin.  Then, when you are ready to create mementos, you have have it all in one place.

10. It will be over before you know it.  Sad, but true.  Keep it in mind, try and slow down and enjoy the entire process because hopefully it won’t come around again and you will build more memories every day.  

…has been feeling really freaking censored lately!  Now that I have family on Facebook, I really can’t rant and post the sorts of from-the-hip things that I like to because, well, I just don’t want to explain it when my mom will undoubtedly call me 5 seconds later.  I’m also so extremely liberal, but have some good friends who are much, much more conservative.  I really appreciate that we don’t have the same point of view.  I don’t want to hide them and I don’t want them to hide me, so we are mostly at a kinda of neutral space.  That’s really fine!  In fact, Facebook would be more awesome in general if people posted more photos than gifts requests.  Status updates are great - but let me SEE your life, too.

And twitter?  I generally can get my crazed opinion out there in 140 characters or less.  But, I’m looking for a job and am now thinking that I need to be a little more protective of my online reputation because of that.  San Diego is still a pretty conservative town - especially within business. (Here’s an aside - a job I interviewed for had “people who text all day need not apply” listed right on the job ad.  Is that they new “long haired, hippy freaks need not apply”?)

So yeah, now, I’m thinking I need a new outlet.  This may be it.  The whole process of typing my thoughts on the keyboard is so cathartic that I feel I need it in my life.  And I’m trying to be as honest without revealing TOO much of my real identity.  Not because I don’t stand behind each word, but because I really need a flipping job and also I desperately need my own car.  They kind of go together.  I’ve been car-sharing with my husband for quite a few years now.  I think my carbon footprint has shrunk enough.  But in our current situation, it’s so inconvenient and I feel trapped on the days I don’t have wheels.

I’ve been trying real hard to follow the “Fake it until you make it” mantra for the past week or so.  I think it might actually be working.  I’ve actually got some shit done.  I’ve had some crazy bursts of energy, which are a welcome change to the jobless melancholy that has overtaken me and my ideas of myself.  I’ve got issues but I think I may be closer to working them out than I was 2 weeks ago.

I also want to start writing more.  Blogging is a good exercise for that.  So hopefully, there will be more posts in my future in 2010.

I got married 3 weeks ago today.  Yay!  I hired someone to come in and make my hair big and curly.  She also expertly attached fake eyelashes on me, evened out my ruddy, freckled face and made my eyes amazingly pop.  We had professional photos taken.  They look nice.  As soon as I got back I changed my Facebook profile photo to it.

And I kept it there for over 2 weeks.  People told me how pretty it was and I was totally flattered.

However, I can’t shake the feeling when I look at the picture that it isn’t me?  Am I having a crisis about my image?  Am I in shock that I’m ACTUALLY married?  Do I just not want to be one of those girls that makes her wedding the sum of her whole identity as a woman?

I have no idea.  I feel like there’s a psychological reason for why I don’t want that photo as my profile photo anymore.  I like it.  I don’t mind looking at it.  What’s my issue?

I never get manicures.  It always seems like something too extravgant for everyday life.  About the only times I can justify it is when I’m in a wedding.  Well, my OWN wedding was 2 weeks ago.  And I got a really nice manicure.

I know it could easily be an addiction if I had the means.  For once my nails looked - nice.  Not several lengths, broken, chipped, gnarly, but all one color, even, shaped, lady-like.

I’m wear my 2 week old polish still  About 70% of my nails have nailpolish.  It looks trashy, but I don’t really care.  I can’t bring myself to take off my wedding nail polish.