Elle tells it like it is

It seems like people I know get engaged/married in bursts.  Around Christmas, there was another burst of engagements.  It’s awesome, and I’ve given this advice out to them, and I thought I’d post it here too.

How am I qualified?  Well, I’m married.  I got married in a very casual, but classy Vegas ceremony.  Before we decided to semi-elope, we had been making some serious plans (and then we moved across the country - eating our savings).  I’ve been in 4 weddings, I’ve been de-facto bridesmaid for more, and I’ve had the honor of watching a lot of friends get married.  Kids in New England tend to want to get married soon after college.  Out of my collegiate inner-circle, I was one of the last at 33.

1. The most fun things to do are not the ones you should start with when it comes to wedding planning.

2. Brides, especially, like to ask their friends to be bridesmaids right after the engagement ring is slipped on the finger.  Because of #1.  It is fun!  You get to share the excitement with your friends!  You get to talk dresses.  Don’t do it!  I’d wait until 6-9 months BEFORE the date to ask.  Why?  Well, your friends may not be quite as close to you on your wedding day.

I’ve seen once best-friends be barely on speaking terms by the wedding date.  Why?  Well, life happens.  Friendships change.  Especially right after college, I have found this to be true.  And, unfortunately, the happiness and excitement of a bride can bring out a lot of jealousy and resentment with her friends.  It’s sad, but it happens.  I admit to being a not-awesome friend to one of my close friends who got engaged once.  It was all my issues, and I apologized and moved past it with her, but she was absolutely right not to ask me to be in her wedding.

You want your wedding party to be there to support you.  You need to choose people you can count on.  Think, you need to pick a group for the Amazing Race, not America’s Next Top Model.

3. Pick your date and plan backwards.  Picking a date is the hardest thing!  Even if you can narrow down a month, that’s a huge step.  Then, you can start pricing venues.  Maybe that means the date slides a little bit.   That’s okay!  But picking a date gives you a place to start.

4. Your sister doesn’t have to be your Maid of Honor and your brother doesn’t have to be your Best Man.  This is muy controversial.  I know people who would argue with me about this forever.  Yes, it is tradition.  Yes, it may be expected.  But that doesn’t mean you have to do it.  The person you pick for these roles has to absolutely be someone you can count on.  Sure, there’s the bachelor, bachelorette, wedding shower, holding of the rings responsibilities but more than that - this person is going to help keep you calm and sane.

Your sister or your brother may not be this person.  You may not be close to them.  But you may feel obligated to put them in this role.  Your family may insist on it.  In the end, it’s your wedding and you have to make the decisions that you are most comfortable with.  There are plenty of ways to include family members in to your wedding without being MOH or BM.  You never know, they could feel that filling the role is as much of an obligation for them as it for you to ask.

5. You are going to freak out, and it’s okay.  This is a big deal.  Hopefully it is the last wedding you will ever plan.  Give yourself a little room.

6. You will not get everything you want.  It’s just not possible.  Shit happens.  See advice #5.  But, to get as much of what you want - make a list.  Prioritize what you want in order of Can’t Live Without It, to Meh.  You will find that you can focus on the really important things and not have to concentrate as hard on the others.  For me, I had a couple of important things.  I wanted stargazer lilies in my bouquet and I wanted to pick my own processional music because I HATE “Here Comes the Bride”.  I got those things. I didn’t get my wedding cake.  But I prioritized other things above that.

7. Your wedding day is about YOU and your spouse.  You may have family and friends who think that they get a say.  By all means use your own barometer and listen and take their feelings in to account.  But, when the day is over, it was your wedding, not theirs.  It may mean you have to say no to some things.  There may be some hurt feelings, but trust yourself, your spouse to be, and what you want.

8. If you can leave out the “W” word (wedding) from any service, you’ll save $$.  For some reason, add a wedding to a normal service and the price goes up 200% sometimes.  If you can, try and NOT divulge that it’s your wedding.  For example, if you are getting a professional makeup application or an up-do, you can tell the provider that you are getting it done for a party.  Sometimes you have to be transparent - i.e. you have to tell your caterer that this is a wedding or else they’ll probably be pretty angry when they serve the food and see you in your wedding clothes.

9. You’ll want to keep a lot of things for a scrapbook or just to have as a reminder of your wedding, but you want to be organized and not overwhelmed at the same time.  Get a plastic bin and slip things in when you can.  That way, you have a place to go find who sent you the Sham Wows when you get around to writing the thank you notes - you put the shipping invoice in the bin.  Then, when you are ready to create mementos, you have have it all in one place.

10. It will be over before you know it.  Sad, but true.  Keep it in mind, try and slow down and enjoy the entire process because hopefully it won’t come around again and you will build more memories every day.